Valentine Vomit

Somedays, all I want to have is everything a cell membrane has - protection, support and communication. Once in awhile all three at one time would be great.
As I sit here, I think about the past day or so, all the flower, hearts, packages and crappy love going around. Is one day really necessary to show your love to others? Shouldn't this love be expressed everyday? Dumb "Hallmark" Holidays.
I have officially been single for about four years now, I never liked the holiday before I was dating someone, I think that it was the rule that you HAD to give EVERYONE a Valentine that really made me hate it in Elementary school. I never liked it when I was dating - always begging for no Valentine gift; and I seriously hate Valentines day now. Maybe there is a little pity party in there of me being single - I think mainly from the fact that I live with two of whom are engaged - always being around the wedding magazines, the invitations, the pretty flowers and the dresses. But then I realize that I am single for a reason, I have chosen to have it this way.
I guess you could say that maybe I am waiting for "the perfect person" which I know will never happen... I am not perfect and neither are you, but in a way we can all dream, right? I think that I have gotten pass the stupid crap of what I want... the "someone that likes Billy Joel too", " someone that _____ (fill in the blank of stupid high school wants). I have moved past that, I am starting to realize who I am, and what I really want in that someone special... maybe I am being really picky, I donno. But maybe putting all of these down on paper (ok, on a computer screen) will make me feel a little better about myself.

What I want:
a.) You need to be able to like and respect my family. I know that my family can be a little crazy sometimes, we tend to do somethings that others find rather odd or strange, but this is why my family is so important to me, they are the reason why I am who I am. Insulting my family is probably the highway to getting on my bad side. I have the right to complain about them - they are mine - you however do not have that privilege until you officially become a member. Its like a neat little club. You have to be a Robinson to join. However, if you seem to come across having an issue with one of them, you rightfully have the opportunity to explain it to me - that is not complaining. I want the same expectation with your family unless otherwise stated.
b.) I like to go out and have a good time but drinking to get drunk regularly is not cool. Drinking and being stupid is even more so. We are grown ups now… It is time to be responsible. Yes I like to drink and I don’t mind “crazy” nights occasionally but is it really required every night or every weekend?
c. ) Talking and communication is key. This includes sharing and understanding thoughts and feelings of each other. How can two people have a relationship without talking and understanding each other? If you are not happy with something, I want to know. I know that if I am not happy with something, I will not hesistate to voice my opinion - although, its been a minor problem lately... working on it though - it make me time to contimplate how i want to say it, but eventually it WILL come out. Yeah, I know guys are not "suppose to" talk about their feelings... but seriously... wouldn't it be just a little easier!?
d.) Take me as I am, I am not perfect. There are things that I have done that if I had known the consequences, I certainly wouldn't of done them. But I try to learn from these experiences and use them to make me a stronger person.
e.) I want to be your number one, and you will be mine. School and work are very important, I am not saying that you should skip class for me, or call in sick every other day - because these things will jeopardize your/our future sucess in life. I just want to be included in decisions and have my thoughts considered when choices and actions are made and taken. For example: Homework and studying comes first - if I have a test tomorrow that test is my number one priority that night, however, thats only one night, and there are 365 nights each year. Test may swap cuddle time tonight, but tomorrow night it won't...
f.) Family is probably the most important thing to me. You need to have a good relationship with your family. Enough said.
g.) I am all about you hanging out with your friends. You can have a guys night, and I can have a girls night, however, I don't want to be continously ditched for friends. Yes, friends are a very important part of our lives, but do you need to see them 20 out of 24 hours each day?
This kinda go's along with continously ditched - when you say you are going to call, call. When we have plans, we have plans. Its simple. I understand if something comes up - you have to work last minute, or you don't have cell phone reception, just be courtious ... because if you don't, I just sit here thinking that I did something wrong.
h.) On occasion I want to feel special. Romance is a nice thing. Flowers, cooking dinner, and doing something nice just because is probably one of the best things that anyone could do. If you do something nice for me, I promise that I will reciprocate and do my best to make you feel special in a different way.
i.) Don't lie to me - I want to know the truth. "Straight up go tell me if you really want to love me forever oh oh oh, or are you just having fun...." (thank you Paula Abdul). This goes for anything. Telling the truth is 100% easier than eventually trying to dig yourself out of a hole.
j.) Don't hurt me.
k.) Going along with letter i - don't pretend to be with me if you don't because, I am better than that. You are just wasting my time. If you want out of whatever this is, say so. I would rather be hurt now, and have to heal so I can find another person that is meant for me rather than being in a relationshipo that isn't going anywhere and isn't really a relationship at all.
l.) I don't expect you to be a mind reader - but damn it - I alteast expect you to put a little effort in. All relationships are give and take. You should never be always giving or always taking it should be a 50/50 thing. If you feel that I am doing all the taking, I want to know; and I will let you know the same.

Thats all I have got for now (a little of it thanks to my friend Ana - stemed off what she had to say), I am sure that eventually I will think of more that I will need to add...

On the next note...

With all the mush and gush is around, you start thinking ... Am I going to be single forever? What if there is really not that someone out there for me? After watching "Grey's Anatomy" tonight it brought up a good point that I have always pondered myself. I have never really talked about it for the fact that I was really afraid that I was kinda of morbid thinking about it. But Addison asked "If I were to go missing, would anyone notice?" I sometimes find myself thinking about who would attend my funeral, what would people say about me, what would I find out.
I have done so much being who I am. Not many can say that they have moved so far from home not knowing a sole and surviving. Its my own little game of Survivor, although, in a way I have been given all the tools. I don't have a problem getting to know people, if you talk to me, I will talk back. Which I think is why I have gotten to where I am in my life. I try to think of myself as a stong person, with a good head on her shoulders, but at times I don't want to be that stong person. I just want to sit here and cry. In my little world of round-about alone-ness, would anyone here know I was gone if I were to go missing? Who would be there to hold my hand if I were hurt in the hospital. Who are my true friends. Sometimes for me, its a HUGE question to ponder. Maybe I am just really inseccure, maybe I have big trust issues, I don't know.

Somedays I want nothing more than to get out of South Dakota, other days, I want to stay here for the rest of my life. I just need that reason of why to stay here, or why to go.